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August 27, 2012
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The Flames of Courage - Prologue by ItachiXShana The Flames of Courage - Prologue by ItachiXShana

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Dear god, why did I decide to translate this at 3 - 4 AM in the morning. I should be working on my school rhythm for next week. :iconotlplz:

Anyway...

This is the prologue of a fanfic i'm writing. I'm not going to tell you what it's about but i'd like to know your thoughts about this prologue. Who is the little guy and what will happen to him?

The original is written in Dutch and i'm far from getting to the real plot but I was curious about your opinion on this part. It's a bit different from the Dutch version since some things just don't work in the English language and the other way around.

Reminder that I was translating in the late night, yawning every 10 seconds and sleepy eyes: I really don't wanna be a grammar nazi so things might be off so please point it out because my brain is fried atm.

--
Alearth Agnia H
The Flames of Courage (fanfiction) Me
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:iconcoldethyl13:
ColdEthyl13 Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2013  Student Photographer
As promised, I have read this and found a few points that you could edit (to everyone reading this comment, I'm not being a d*ck; I'm helping her out lol)

'loud sound'- maybe replace this with the actual sound, like 'loud bang'

'It’s was too much for me, every time it felt like I was
going to pass out' - 'It was too much for me; every time it felt like...'

'...night stand getting smashed to the
ground' - '...night stand smashing to the ground'

'I was too busy with my own mind' - I was too busy with my own thoughts' Possibly 'racing thoughts' or something along those lines to add more description and depth

'...yelled a low voice' A low voice would be quiet, so maybe 'a deep voice'?

'the door of my secret room broke down by a
powerful kick' - '...with a powerful kick'

'only to get caught by my collar' - '...grabbed by my collar'

'The man didn't listen to me and kept tugging on my collar hard, slightly cutting
my neck. He brought me to the entrance of the great hall.' You wouldn't know if it was cut without looking at it, so mention every now and again the pain, and when they are finally let go, have the character inspect the area (run a hand over it and find blood, or look in a mirror) to reveal the cut.

'...almost trying to hide behind him' You have already mentioned him, so just stick with 'almost trying to hide'

Try to use written numbers ('two' instead of '2'; it is necessary, but it is a convention within literature)

'Royal chairs' Do you mean the throne?

'It was quiet but I know' 'knew'

'In fear I kept staring down to the ground' 'staring at the ground' maybe

'You could see the hate and disgust in his eyes'. - 'I could...' (keeping in line with how the rest of text is written)

'you still disappoint me in so many level' - '...on so many levels'


Hope this helps. Other than a few typos and grammatical errors, this sounds like the start of a very strong piece of work. Well done, and keep up the good work :)
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:iconitachixshana:
ItachiXShana Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
That is quite a list but I thank you for giving me feedback.
Now I hope to continue my story so I can upload more than just the prologue. :)
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:iconcelestialexplorer:
Celestialexplorer Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Ouch Shana how isn't this in pdf format? How did you put it in here? I've never posted anything in written format on deviantart, but all the stories I've read on it before looked different somehow...

Well, that's just a quick note from me- I'll say something about the story once I read it ;D
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:iconitachixshana:
ItachiXShana Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
But the file IS in PDF? Is there a problem?
This is the first time I uploaded a written file to deviantart so I have no idea how it all works. PDF was one of the required formats so I changed it.
Yes, other people used the HTML type so it looks different. I'm also reading a fanfiction that is in PDF so i'm used to it.

Alright, I hope you like it. XD
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